Living with a spouse you have strong negative feelings for can be extremely challenging.
Unexpected turns and twists in life frequently catch us off guard.
One of the most complex and emotionally demanding challenges can be living with a spouse you find difficult to get along with.
In this article, we’ll explore practical strategies and insights for making this journey more manageable.
Read also: How To Know When Your Marriage Is Beyond Repair (The Sure Signs)
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1. Try to focus on the positive
Old habits are tough to change, but there are ways for couples to reduce their negative feelings.
A therapist named Maria Anderson suggests one method: instead of constantly thinking about what you dislike about your partner, try making a list of the things you appreciate or have done well together.
This is called “Active practice gratitude.”
It helps shift your focus from negativity to positive aspects in your relationship.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse says to you
Sometimes a relationship deteriorates because you don’t know how to listen to the other person’s point of view.
Make sure you focus on what the other person is saying to you and not how you feel about what they are saying to you.
Don’t interrupt when he/she is talking, allow them to finish.
show that you’re paying attention and understand them by nodding your head or giving some sign that you’re listening.
It’s a way to let them know you hear what they’re saying without saying anything.
3. Be polite
Don’t make it seem like your spouse is boring you.
Don’t insult, yell, or become sarcastic, even if your spouse is acting that way on their own.
You can say, “Please stop yelling at me” or “If you’re yelling, I can’t figure out what to do to fix this.”
Respond in a pleasant manner. Do not show that you are hurt.
4. Put something exciting on the calendar
Plan something to look forward to, like a couples getaway or a night out doing something you both enjoy, like listening to live music or going to a comedy club.
Spending uninterrupted time together outside of your routine will give you a chance to reconnect.
And lastly, there’s always good makeup sex.
Sex helps relieve any built-up tension with a chemical release and a rush of endorphins.
5. Safety
Put your safety first if your hatred of your spouse is a result of safety issues, such as emotional or physical assault.
For assistance and support, get in touch with domestic abuse hotlines or organizations.
6. Consider therapy
Most times, hateful emotions subside quickly and are replaced by other emotions. But what if it doesn’t?
If you realize that you constantly hate your spouse for a long time, it’s a sign that something’s wrong in your relationship.
In this case, it’s a good idea for both of you to get help from a professional to try and fix the problems in your relationship.
There’s often a feeling of being stuck with someone you don’t like.
That feeling of being trapped, desperate, and helpless breeds resentment, anger, and hatred.
Talking about the problems with a trusted counselor or therapist can help you determine if the relationship can be fixed or if it is time for a divorce.
7. Consider Legal Options
If your situation is unbearable and efforts to improve it have failed, consult with an attorney to understand your legal options, such as separation or divorce.
This should be a last resort.
Read also: What To Do When Your Marriage Is Beyond Repair
10 Tips on How to React When Your Spouse Uses Silence as a Form of Punishment
The silent treatment is a weapon that every couple has probably used at least once.
Silence expresses anger, frustration, hurt, manipulation, resignation, and disappointment at the same time.
However, it can also cause deep wounds in the relationship.
How to deal with this when your spouse uses this tool?
1. Don’t assume you know the reason for the silence
The reasons behind someone being silent in a relationship can be complicated and different for each person.
Jumping to conclusions and thinking you know exactly what’s going on can actually make things worse.
If your spouse hasn’t told you why they’re silent, guessing or assuming can lead to more anger and silence.
It might make your spouse think you’re being arrogant or oversimplifying things.
So, it’s better to communicate openly and ask them what’s bothering them instead of guessing.
2. Explain to your spouse that you need and want to communicate
This sounds silly, but misunderstandings about what the other person wants are common in relationships.
Your spouse might believe that staying quiet is a way to keep the peace, but it can actually create a false sense of calm.
It’s okay to express your need for communication and let your spouse know how much you miss talking to them.
Don’t hesitate to show that you value and want their presence in your life.
3. Be ready to listen and not just talk
Communication works both ways.
If your spouse thinks you only want them to stop being silent so you can talk and have them listen, they might keep being quiet.
To break this cycle, you need to genuinely want to hear what your spouse has to say.
Listen attentively without interrupting or making judgments before they’ve finished speaking.
It shows that you value their thoughts and feelings.
4. Don’t be ironic when communication is reestablished
When your spouse finally decides to end the silence and talk to you, it’s important to respond with kindness and understanding.
Comments like “At last!” or “Ah, you want to talk again!” won’t be helpful and might make your spouse regret trying to communicate.
So, be supportive and welcoming when they do open up.
5. Practice the golden rule in the way you react
Even when your spouse gives you the cold shoulder, remember to treat them as you’d want to be treated, which can be hard but essential for showing how much communication matters to you.
Try to understand their perspective too. The golden rule is, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”
6. Be willing to let go of your hurt
Holding grudges can be natural and even understandable in certain situations.
But it can also be devastating.
Be ready to put away past hurts and start afresh if you want to reestablish communication with your spouse.
7. Give it time – and set aside time for each other
Understanding your spouse means giving them space to process the pain causing their silence, without pressuring them, and making sure to plan quality time together when the silence is over, without distractions from children or work, to strengthen your connection.
8. Be ready to ask for and offer forgiveness
Silence can come from a wound you didn’t realize you caused.
If this comes up, don’t get defensive: be willing to evaluate yourself and acknowledge the error.
Asking for forgiveness, in a deep and meaningful way, can heal many things in a relationship.
Other times, the silence may come from guilt or shame your spouse is feeling.
If this is the case, be open to forgiveness.
Admitting our own mistakes is one of the things that makes us most human, as well as welcoming others who make mistakes.
9. Open your eyes to passive-aggressive silence
Silence can be used as a manipulative tactic by a passive-aggressive spouse, which can complicate things, so it’s helpful to learn about this behavior to handle it more effectively.
10. Don’t give up
If you feel lonely because of your spouse’s silent treatment, don’t give in to self-indulgence.
Be understanding and, when you feel weak, open up to family and friends who can help you, and not make the problem in your relationship worse.
Conclusion
As you have learned how to live with a spouse you hate, be sure to be patient and respect your spouse’s boundaries.
Read also: Best Conversation Strategies For Couples