Losing a close relationship with your child is really tough.
But, you can fix it, although it will take time and patience.
As a parent, you need to be the one to reach out and try to reconnect, even if you’re not sure who’s at fault.
In this article, I will share with you how to fix a broken relationship with a child.
Read also: How to Raise a Morally Responsible Child Without Punishment (17 Easy Tips)
Let’s get started now!
1. Put your child’s interests first
If you are already in a situation where you barely see your child or children, you will have to prepare for a long recovery process that requires a lot of patience.
To start with, you will often have to put your own wishes or frustrations aside in the interest of your child.
That is not always easy.
In addition, it is important to also obtain the cooperation of your ex-partner(in case of a divorce).
Especially when it is your ex-partner who tries to discourage contact between you and your child, it is better to seek help with mutual communication between you.
2. Building trust
To restore the bond, your child needs to learn to trust you again.
This means that you really have to make sure that you keep your agreements with your child and are honest about what you can and cannot promise.
Some parents try to win back their children’s love by giving them expensive gifts.
But eventually, a child realizes this and only comes to you when he or she needs something.
So it is better to invest in the relationship by doing fun things together, chatting and laughing.
And let your child know regularly that you love him or her and are always there when they need you.
3. Seek clarity about what went wrong
Before you try to connect with your child, it can be helpful to find out why your child is angry with you.
You may be able to get this information from your child, but you may need to consult someone else who knows the situation.
To make things right with your child, you first have to find the problem.
Once you have an idea of what went wrong, you now have time to think about what your next steps are, and what you want to tell your son or daughter.
Contact your child and ask him or her what exactly is the problem.
For example, you can say, “Tony, I know you don’t want to talk to me, and I’d like to know what I did that hurt you so much. Can you please tell me? You don’t have to talk to me, but please send me a letter or email. I can’t make it right if I have no idea what’s wrong.”
If you don’t get a response from your child, you can contact another family member or mutual friend who knows more about what’s going on.
For example, you could say, “John, have you talked to your sister lately? She won’t talk to me, and I can’t figure out what the problem is. Do you know what’s going on?”
The best result would be figuring out why your child is angry, but sometimes you might not know why.
Don’t give up on trying to reconnect with them just because you don’t have all the answers.
4. Engage in self-reflection
Think about the possible reasons behind your child’s alienation.
Was it caused by something in the past?
Has anything happened recently that could have caused the breakup (such as a death or birth)?
Perhaps you yourself have refused to talk to your child for a while, and now your child no longer wants to talk to you.
A lot of times, kids become distant from their parents because their parents’ marriage didn’t work out.
When parents don’t put their child’s happiness first, it can be tough on the kids, even if the divorce was the right choice.
Parents might say bad things about each other without realizing that their kids are listening, and this can really hurt the parent-child relationship, especially if one parent isn’t around much.
Children who go through their parents’ divorce might feel like they weren’t very important to their parents.
Read also: How Do You Discipline a Stubborn Child Without Hitting and Yelling? (13 Tips)
5. Understand that it’s your turn to take action or make a decision.
Whether you did something wrong or not; it is usually the parents who have to take the first steps in the reconciliation process.
Try not to focus on what’s unfair or let your pride get in the way.
If you genuinely want to make things right with your child, understand that you should be the one reaching out and keeping the connection alive.
No matter how old your child is, they always want to know they’re loved and valued by their parents.
Showing your love means putting effort into your relationship, even if it feels tough or unfair.
6. Connect with your child
Although you may prefer to meet your child in person, it may feel less intrusive to connect over the phone, email, or letter.
Respect the need for distance and give your child the opportunity to respond when it suits him or her.
Be patient and give your child a few days to respond.
Practice what you want to say before you call your child.
Also, be prepared to leave a voicemail.
Say something like, “James, I’d like to meet with you sometime to talk about how you’re feeling. Would you like to meet me sometime?”
Send an email or text. As an example, you may choose to convey, “I recognize the pain you’re going through, and I’m genuinely sorry for any harm I’ve caused.”
“If you’re ready, I hope you’ll be willing to talk to me about it. Please let me know when you’re ready. I love you and I miss you.”
7. Write a letter
Your child may not be willing to speak to you in real life.
In that case, it is best to write a letter.
Apologize for the pain you caused and say you understand why your child feels that way.
Writing a letter can also be therapeutic for you.
It clarifies your feelings and helps you manage your emotions.
Another advantage is that you can take all the time you need to put your words down on paper just right.
Suggest that you speak when your child is ready.
For example, you could write, “I know you’re angry, but I hope we can meet sometime to talk about it. My door is always open.”
8. Make an appointment
If your adult child is willing to talk to you, arrange to have something to eat in a public place.
Eating something together in public is a good idea because it makes you more likely to keep your emotions under control.
Moreover, by eating together you create a bond of trust.
Make sure you meet alone. Do not invite your spouse or other confidant.
Your child might feel like they’re under attack because of this.
Read also: How to Stop a Child From Playing Too Much (5 Ways to Handle Them)
9. Let your child lead the conversation
Listen to your child’s concerns without contradicting them or becoming defensive.
Your child may immediately expect an apology from you.
If you feel this is the case, apologize.
It can be helpful to start the conversation with an apology, to let your child know that you understand you hurt him or her, and to make you feel like you’re on the same page.
After your apology, you can ask your child to share more about how he or she feels.
10. Bear your share of the blame
Understand that you can never get far in the reconciliation without acknowledging that you may have contributed to the problem.
Children want their parents to take responsibility for their actions.
So be willing to do the same, whether you think you were wrong or not.
Even if you don’t understand exactly why your child is angry with you, acknowledge that it is your fault.
Don’t try to defend your behavior, but listen to your child, and apologize for the pain they have been through.
Try to understand your child’s situation.
Being empathetic does not necessarily mean that you agree with someone, but that you understand his or her perspective.
Understanding your child’s perspective is an important step in resolving a conflict.
For example, express it like this, “I acknowledge that I have been tough on you. I really wanted you to be successful. But I can understand why you thought I was never satisfied with what you did. That’s not how I meant it, and it’s absolutely not true. But I see how my behavior made you think that.”
11. Say sorry
A good apology clearly states what you did wrong (so the listener knows you understand), shows remorse, and offers a way to make it right.
Apologize sincerely to your child and acknowledge the pain you have caused.
Remember: apologize, even if you believe your actions were correct.
Now it’s about your child’s pain, not about who was right or wrong.
For example, you could say, “Jenny, I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings. I know you had to go through a lot when I drank. I hate that I made so many mistakes when you were young. I understand that you want to keep your distance, but I really hope that we can get through this together.”
Don’t try to justify your actions in your apology, even if you believe you had a good reason for your actions.
For example, “I’m sorry I hit you five years ago, but I only did it because you had a big mouth” is not an apology, and it will make the child more upset or angry.
Remember that an apology is only effective and sincere if you apologize for your own actions, and not for someone else’s reaction.
For example, “I’m sorry my behavior hurt you” is an effective apology. “I’m sorry if you felt hurt” is not effective.
When apologizing, avoid using the word “if.”
12. Let it go, if necessary
Your child might view your efforts to reach out as unwanted and upsetting.
Even if you apologize and admit your mistakes, they might still not want to connect with you.
If that happens, it’s likely better for your own peace of mind to accept it and stop trying to repair the relationship.
Let your child decide if and when they want to reconnect.
Send a message or leave a voicemail saying something like, “Jack, I understand that you want me to stop contacting you. Of course, I’m not happy about that, but I respect your choice and I won’t try to contact you again. If you ever want to talk to me I will be there for you, but I respect what you want so I will no longer try to talk to you. I love you.”
When there are issues like drug abuse, mental health problems, or a bad relationship with your child (like a controlling partner), fixing the relationship can be hard.
These issues might be the cause of your estrangement, but you can’t always fix it until your child deals with their problems on their own.
If your child doesn’t want any contact with you anymore, it might be helpful to find a therapist to help you cope with your sadness.
This is a tough situation, and you might need some extra support.
Read also: How Do You Introduce a Child to Rules (Easy Things to Do)
13. Respect your child’s right to disagree with you
You don’t need to change what you believe but try not to disrespect what your child believes in.
You can have different opinions and still care about each other. It’s okay not to agree.
Respect your differences as much as possible.
For instance, if you’re religious and your child is an atheist, you might decide to skip talking about church when they visit.
Look for other things to talk about that won’t lead to arguments.
If your child brings up a topic you’ve argued about before, you can say, “We don’t agree on this. Talking about it will only make us upset.”
14. Persevere, but don’t push yourself
If your child initially rejects your attempts to connect, keep trying.
Send cards, write emails, or leave voicemails.
Just keep doing anything to let your child know you’re thinking of him or her and want to talk.
Just make sure you give your child enough space and respect his or her need for privacy and distance.
Do not contact more than once a week, and reduce contact if you notice that it bothers your child.
But try to maintain contact.
For example, you can say: ‘Hi Mike, I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I am thinking of you. I hope you’re well. I miss you. You know you can always come to see me if you want to talk. I love you.’
Respect your child’s boundaries and stick to less intrusive forms of contact.
15. Consider family therapy
If your child feels the same way, you can go to family therapy together to discuss your feelings in the presence of a trained professional.
A family therapist can help family members identify dysfunctional behavior and find solutions to the problem.
Family therapy also works to recognize and strengthen the bonds that family members have with each other.
Family therapy usually focuses on the short term and focuses on a problem that is bothering the family.
You or your child may be advised to seek out a therapist yourself to focus on individual problems.
To find a family therapist, ask your doctor for advice or search online for a therapist.
Read also: How to Help Adolescents with Depression (9 Things to Do)
Conclusion
Learn to accept your child for who he or she is, and recognize his or her independence and ability to make his or her own choices.
In case of divorce, there is a good chance that a child will feel forced to side with one of the parents.
This can make the relationship between the child and the other parent really strained or even make it go away completely.
It’s called parental alienation.
Let your child decide how fast they want to reconnect.
Don’t rush or pressure them.
These situations are really hard and hurtful for both kids and parents.