Do you want to teach your child not to hit and bite?
She was playing wonderfully, my daughter who was 14 months old at the time.
As a proud parent, I came close to her cheek and pretended I was going to kiss her on that lovely round and soft cheek (mind you: she has my cheeks).
Recently she realized that she could kiss me too.
So this was our new ritual, I pretended to kiss her so I could receive a nice kiss from her.
Normally she would say ‘maaaa’ and then her lips would go in to make the sound instead of out to give a real kiss.
But it’s okay, it’s still the best kiss I’ve ever had.
Just before we kiss each other on the lips, I turn my head so she can kiss me on the cheek.
This time it was a little different, she opened her mouth and quickly landed her eight sharp baby teeth on my cheek.
The pain combined with the feeling of deception lingered for a while.
Many toddlers and preschoolers enter the phase where they start hitting and/or biting.
It is annoying behavior that, fortunately, can easily be unlearned.
For children under the age of three, hitting and biting simply means that they still have to learn the correct behavior.
Toddlers have a small vocabulary and therefore have difficulty expressing themselves.
And yet they already feel, experience, and see a lot.
It is comparable to the average adult in a country where he or she does not speak the language.
Of course, we don’t hit, but we use our bodies to make gestures so that we can make it clear what we want.
Small children do not know these gestures or the words to express themselves.
So they use what they know, their body.
And that is why it is important that you as a parent unlearn it and teach them what they can do if they do not know the word.
Read also: How Do You Discipline an Argumentative Child? (6 Easy Tips)
Do you want to know what I did the first time my 14-month-old daughter bit me?
Follow my tips.
1. Observe your child
Solving the problem starts with observing your child.
Try to find out when your child hits or bites, and try to recognize the frustration.
Is it one situation? Are there multiple situations?
Has your child taken a nap or is it time for a meal?
Is your child too tired or too hungry to show other behavior?
Or is it a matter of not yet having learned how to properly handle the situation?
2. Stay calm
When kids hit or bite, it’s because they’re upset inside but don’t have words to express it.
Parents need to stay calm and show them better ways to handle their feelings instead of getting upset themselves.
This helps kids learn how to make better choices when they’re upset.
3. Be empathetic and set boundaries
From your calmness, it is important to be empathetic.
You mustn’t reject your child, but the behavior your child exhibits.
You do this by showing empathy for the frustration your child experiences, for example; ‘I understand you are angry, you also want to play with the bear, but you are not allowed to hit/bite other people when you are angry.’
Acknowledge the feelings you see, show understanding, and state that your child is not allowed to hit/bite.
4. Calm your child
Anger and sadness make our bodies feel tense and our breathing faster, like when we’re in a scary situation, even if we’re not.
It’s important to calm this feeling.
You can do this by hugging, singing, or doing whatever helps your child calm down.
The goal is to teach them that it’s okay to feel these strong emotions without hurting others.
Show them you understand their feelings and help them learn to control their behavior.
Express something like, “It appears you’re upset.”
Read also: How Do You Deal With a Child Who Won’t Listen and Is Disrespectful? (6 Easy Tips)
5. Practice the desired behavior
When your child calms down, their brain is ready to learn.
Show them the behavior you want in situations where they used to hit or bite.
For younger kids, like those under 1.5 years old, practicing in pretend situations may not work well, so focus on real situations where they need to behave better.
For older kids who can talk, use clear words and gestures to explain what you expect.
For example, instead of hitting, say “Can I have a hug?” and show it with an open hand.
You can practice this during games or with older siblings.
With older toddlers, practice at home through games or with siblings.
Explain what you expect briefly.
For example, if they want a toy someone else has, teach them to ask politely.
It’s also good to practice unexpectedly, like during mealtime, and let them know you’re practicing.
6. Be patient
Little kids need lots of practice to learn new things, so don’t expect them to get it after just a few tries.
It might take days or even weeks.
Sometimes, even if they’ve been doing well, they might go back to hitting or biting.
If that happens, just go back to the beginning and practice again.
It’ll be quicker because it’s repeating, not starting over.
7. Don’t hit or punish
When a toddler hits, they don’t mean to harm or upset you on purpose.
It’s just their way of expressing a feeling they can’t explain yet.
In a way, they’re asking for guidance to learn the right way to behave.
Using hitting as a way to stop them from hurting someone is confusing for kids.
They’re like little sponges, eager to learn from adults.
If you respond with hitting, you’re teaching them that it’s okay sometimes and that what you say isn’t always true.
It’s better to show them the right way to behave without using hitting.
Read also: How Can I Deal With Tantrums in My 7, 8, or 9-Year-Old Child?
8. Ignore other people
Parenting can feel tricky because everyone has different opinions and experiences.
Some people will praise you if your child behaves well, while others might criticize you if they don’t meet certain standards.
Parenting depends on many factors, not just you.
Plus, there’s no one-size-fits-all definition of good parenting.
When you’re teaching your child, people will have their thoughts about it.
Don’t get sidetracked by what others think.
Your main job is to teach your child the right behavior.
Stay focused and don’t let others’ opinions distract you.
9. Don’t force an apology
There has long been the idea that children should apologize.
I get it, you want to model the right behavior and hope that your child will take over.
However, in our contemporary society, we have plenty of examples of people apologizing purely to reduce or avoid loss of face.
We should not want to teach our children this, we should apologize out of a sincere feeling of regret, and recognition of guilt and that is why we will not do it anymore.
There are two options to achieve this:
• Teach your child to say sorry.
Toddlers do not yet recognize the feeling of regret.
When your child is a little older, you can have a conversation about acknowledging guilt and feeling sorry.
Then it is more useful to invest time in learning to say sorry.
• When your child has calmed down, you can discuss with your child how they can make up for their mistake.
For example, by doing a job, giving a flower, or shaking hands.
With very young children, this is mainly about the conversation you have, for example ‘You were just angry and then you did something that is not allowed, X felt sad about that, so it is nice if you give X a hand.’
This is effective for both small children and older children, in other words.
Conclusion
Teaching children to stop hitting and biting can take time, make sure you take things gradually with them.
They will stop and respect you if you teach them with love.
Read also: How Do You Parent a Difficult Child Who is Defiant (11 Easy Ways)