How Can I Deal With Tantrums in My 7, 8, or 9-Year-Old Child?

Do you have a son or daughter who has a major outburst of anger when something goes wrong?

Or if something doesn’t go the way he or she wanted?

Tempers are common in children.

In this article, you can read where tantrums come from and how you can prevent them.

This will help you understand your child better.

You will also receive tips on how to deal with it so that the outbursts of anger become less intense or even decrease completely.

Let’s get started now!

What to Do During a Tantrum?

During a tantrum, your child can no longer think calmly.

Most of what you say no longer registers with him or her.

It is then difficult to calm your child down.

Comments such as: “Stop it!”, “ You know what we agreed” or “Just act normal, talk calmly” no longer work.

Distraction can sometimes work for younger children, but children aged 6, 7, or 8 are usually too old for that.

These 5 steps explain what you can do during an angry outburst.

Step 1: Stay calm

Keeping your cool is the most helpful approach.

Even though that is not always simple and realistic.

Certainly not if you feel powerless or are affected by what your child says.

Every parent gets angry at some point and that’s not a bad thing.

Yet your child’s tantrum often gets worse when you get angry.

By staying calm you give your child space to be angry.

Have an understanding and a lot of patience.

Remember every time that your child is not consciously trying to annoy you, but that he or she does not know how to express themself differently.

Step 2: Let it rage

Because you cannot contact your child during a real tantrum, it is best to let him or her rage.

Remove him or her from the situation that is making him or her so angry (if that is possible).

Show your child that it is okay to be angry.

If your child hurts themselves or others in a fit of anger, it is important to ensure safety.

Remove dangerous objects that your child could throw or hurt themself with.

Often a child only gets angrier when you hold him or her.

So it is better not to do this and only if there is no other option for the safety of yourself or someone else.

At such a moment, do not say anything about the behavior (“Don’t throw”, “Don’t hit”), but say: “I understand that you are angry. I will ensure your safety.”

Talk to your child when things are calm and agree on specific places where they can express their anger safely and where they can go to calm down when they feel upset.

Step 3: Name and acknowledge your child’s feelings

If you tell your child not to be angry or punish them for it, it can make them even more angry.

Instead, show them that it’s okay to feel angry by understanding and acknowledging their feelings.

So don’t teach your child not to be angry, but teach your child to express themselves differently.

Wait until your child has cooled down before talking or asking questions.

However, during a tantrum, you can help your child understand his or her feelings by naming what you see and acknowledging the feeling.

To illustrate, you can say: “I notice this makes you quite upset,” “I get that you want it,” “Feel free to express your anger,” or “It’s disappointing to lose as well.”

This helps your child put words to emotions that they do not yet understand themself.

Your child will also feel understood, which will help him or her calm down more quickly.

Be careful not to use too many words.

Keep it short. If your child is calm, first make contact pleasantly.

Show understanding, listen, reassure your child, or give a hug.

Step 4: Setting boundaries

When a child is having a tantrum, trying to set rules or limits doesn’t work because they’re too upset.

But if the tantrum is starting to calm down or after it’s over, it’s important to establish rules.

This helps the child feel safe.

You can tell them that it’s okay to feel upset, but their behavior during the tantrum was not okay.

For instance, you could mention: “Objects aren’t for tossing; they can break, and it saddens me.”

“You are angry because you don’t get that now. You can be angry about that. I would also be angry if I wanted something and didn’t get it. What I don’t like is the yelling and screaming. It hurts my ears.”

In this way, you teach your child that he or she is allowed to be angry, but you also teach them to take others into account.

Step 5: Learning to deal with anger

Once the tantrum is over, you can help your child learn to express their anger differently.

Talk to them about being angry and make some agreements about how to handle it.

You can even playfully act out an angry outburst and practice stopping it together.

Anger in kids can rise fast, but if you catch it before a big tantrum, you can make a big difference.

Teach your child to notice when they’re starting to get irritated or act a bit grumpy.

Together, agree on what helps them calm down.

This way, you’re helping them learn to manage their feelings better.

Is a Tantrum Harmful to My Child?

A tantrum in itself is not harmful, but it can be dangerous because a child might move around uncontrollably, which could lead to accidents or risky situations.

For example, your child may suddenly jump from something, break something, run into the street, or be aggressive towards themself or others.

Many children hurt themself in a tantrum without realizing it at the time.

Due to the extreme anger, they do not feel the pain.

Because of these dangers, it is important that you never leave a child having a tantrum alone.

Unless you know that your child can calm themself down safely.

A tantrum can be so intense that children afterward have muscle pain from being hit or a sore throat from shouting.

It can also happen that your child screams so loudly during a tantrum that the muscles in the larynx cramp, which can even cause a child to faint.

This can be very scary, but it is not dangerous. It is wise to contact a doctor.

Preventing Tantrums

Preventing a tantrum is most pleasant for everyone.

Unfortunately, it is not always possible to prevent a tantrum.

Sometimes anger builds up very quickly or comes at an unexpected time.

If you want to avoid tantrums, you need to watch your child closely.

By observing your child, it becomes easier to prevent them.

Some children only have tantrums when they are very tired.

For example, if they have slept poorly at night or if they have not taken an afternoon nap.

Is that the case with your child?

Then make sure the child gets enough rest or doesn’t look for ‘challenging’ situations after a bad night.

Other children have tantrums when they are hungry because their blood sugar levels are too low.

So make sure your child gets something to eat regularly.

Every child is different, by experimenting and paying close attention to the moments when things go well, you can avoid outbursts of anger more and more easily.

Why Does My Child Have Tantrums?

A tantrum usually occurs when a child is frustrated or hurt.

Or if something turns out differently than your child thought or wanted.

For example, because he or she is not allowed to do something or has to do something he or she does not want to do.

Your child’s character also plays a role.

Some children are naturally more temperamental than other children.

As a result, there can be major differences in how children express their anger.

It is sometimes thought that tantrums are caused by children being spoiled by their parents.

That is not true, because tantrums occur both in children who often get their way and in children who do not.

However, it is important not to be too tolerant, because then your child will learn that he or she will get what they want with such an attack.

He or she then learns that an angry outburst produces something positive.

What they learn from you (this is called social learning or modeling) also plays a role.

How do you deal with anger yourself? Your child sees how you do this and learns from it.

Talk About the Tantrum With Your Child

You can also prevent angry outbursts by talking to your child about the anger in a quiet moment.

A child of 7, 8, or 9 years old still has difficulty putting their feelings into words, but sometimes they can come up with very creative solutions.

After the angry mood, discuss that it was not pleasant.

Mention that it was not pleasant for your child either.

Ask questions like: “How could it happen?”, “What happened before you got so angry?”, “What could you do differently next time?”, “How can I help you?”, “What helps you to become calm?”.

Try not to ask “why” questions, because they make children often feel attacked.

They clam up or go on the defensive.

Conclusion

Most tantrums usually disappear gradually.

As your child gets older, they will become less common.

The tips in this article will help prevent or reduce angry outbursts.

All children are different and not all tips can be applied in every situation.

It’s about trying out what works best for you.