How to Best Deal With Fighting Brothers and Sisters (Children Aged 6 Years and Older)

When one of your kids shouts, “Leave my room!” and they’re on the verge of a fight, you promptly intervene and say, “Stop!”

Logical thinking takes a backseat at this moment; it’s all about fight, flight, or freeze mode.

We want them to apologize and talk it out, but their young brains aren’t quite there yet.

One says “sorry” but still looks angry, and the other storms off.

This happens in many families, sometimes you can intervene in time, but often you’re too late.

I still remember the days when my mother locked herself in her room.

She was tired of the arguing between my 5-year-old older sister and me and thought we should solve it ourselves.

After all, we would have started without her help.

All those arguments and fights between kids are quite normal and have some benefits.

Children learn important skills like speaking up for themselves, finding solutions, handling conflicts, understanding their limits, and expressing their needs.

As parents, when things don’t go smoothly, it’s a chance for us to teach and for kids to learn skills they’ll use as adults.

So here are my tips on how to deal with fighting siblings aged 6 years and older.

1. Rules and values

You probably already have some rules at home, like “no hitting,” which makes sense.

But it’s really helpful to sit down with your children and talk about what’s important and what’s not okay.

Instead of lecturing, make it a conversation.

Discuss values like respect, kindness, and being helpful.

This helps your children know where you’re heading together and feel more connected.

Also, create rules together. Remember, having rules doesn’t mean bad behavior won’t happen.

Rules are there to encourage good behavior.

They work best when they tell you what’s okay to do, like “keep your hands to yourself,” because it’s hard to know what to do when you only hear what not to do, like “Don’t think about a purple elephant.”

2. Be the facilitator

As parents we are inclined to intervene, we want to hear the story from both sides and as a judge, we want to determine who was wrong, and who was less wrong and we want to determine the punishment.

In doing so, we unintentionally deprive our children of the opportunity to deal with arguments and disagreements.

You can also help them by asking questions like, “How do you think you can solve this?”

This way, you guide them without judging.

Encourage good behavior with questions like, “If you’re angry, what can make you feel better?”

Allow the children to express their emotions and own up to their mistakes.

If you decide to let them figure it out on their own, stay nearby in case they need help.

3. Teach them to calm down

During a peaceful moment without arguments, it’s a good idea to think about how to calm down when you’re angry.

Different things work for different people, like running or deep breathing.

There are lots of ways to practice calming down, like yoga, breathing exercises, or a technique called 5-4-3-2-1.

This technique means naming five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.

It helps kids feel connected to the present moment when they’re dealing with anger.

Some children, especially younger ones, find it helpful to write down or use pictures to remember these calming methods.

4. Talk about emotions

Help your kids understand feelings, what they are, and how to tell when they or others feel them.

For example, how does your little brother act when he’s annoyed?

What happens when your sister gets angry if you keep going?

Children need to know that emotions serve a purpose, that everyone has them, and that there are both good and not-so-good ways to show their feelings.

5. Lead by example

Like most things with kids, it’s helpful if you, as a parent, lead by example.

Show them how it’s done.

We can talk all we want, but when our actions don’t match our words, kids usually copy our actions.

So, if you have an argument or disagreement with another grown-up, your siblings, or anyone else, remember that your kids are watching, listening, and learning from you.

Of course, parents make mistakes too, get angry, and scold sometimes.

The key is to admit it, say sorry, and talk about how to make things better.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, but…” which tries to justify the mistake, simply say, “Oops, I should have handled that better. I’m sorry for…”

Avoid an apology that uses “but.” That is a way to justify wrong behavior.

6. Appreciate the differences

In our society, we often use labels to describe people, like “the smartest” or “the most beautiful.”

This also occurs within families, where one child might be labeled as “the smart one,” while another is called “the one with great hair.”

Nonetheless, this can negatively affect children’s self-esteem.

They might think, “If she’s ‘the smart one,’ am I not smart?” or “If she has ‘good hair,’ does that mean my hair is bad?”

These tags can unintentionally spark envy, insecurity, and unhappiness among siblings.

So, be careful about how you talk about your children and how others do too.

Try to spend time with each child individually to show them that they’re all special in their way.

7. Prepare for peace

Instead of getting ready to fight, get ready for peace.

Play pretend games with your kids to practice how to solve arguments better.

Do this when there are no fights, and try to make it fun.

Use past arguments as examples and show how they could have reacted differently.

Switch roles to understand each other better.

Teach them to talk about their feelings using “I-messages,” like saying, “I don’t like it when you do this.”

8. Take your time

Arguments between brothers and sisters are normal.

These tips can help you reduce arguments and perhaps make things more fair.

They can also help make them happen in another better way, but they don’t go away completely.

Try to see them as opportunities to teach your children the things they will need for their adult lives.

Be patient and repeat the tips regularly.

Conflict management is a complicated skill, and you probably know plenty of adults who still struggle with it.

So don’t be too strict with your children.

Evaluate the rules and values from time to time and see where adjustments are needed.

If you’re stuck and can’t solve the problem by yourself, don’t be afraid to seek assistance from someone else or children’s counselors.

Is it OK to Let Kids Fight?

It’s not advisable to let kids fight.

Aggressive fighting has negative consequences.

I don’t intentionally allow my children to fight, I don’t want them to start fighting.

Studies and research have shown that uncontrolled or frequent physical fighting among children leads to various negative outcomes, including:

1. Physical injuries

Children can get hurt during fights, leading to bruises, cuts, or more serious injuries.

2. Emotional and psychological harm

Frequent fighting can cause emotional distress, fear, and anxiety in children, affecting their mental well-being.

3. Weakened relationships

Unresolved conflicts can strain relationships between siblings leading to long-term resentment and hostility.

4. Poor academic performance

Frequent fighting and emotional distress can impact a child’s ability to focus on schoolwork and succeed academically.

5. Behavioral problems

Children who engage in frequent fights may exhibit aggressive behavior, which can lead to disciplinary issues at school and in other settings.

Should Parents Interfere When Kids Fight?

Yes, parents should interfere when kids fight to prevent injuries.

If the fight poses a risk of physical harm to the children involved, immediate intervention is necessary to ensure their safety.

Safety is the top priority.

You should consider the ages and personalities of the children involved.

Younger children require more direct intervention, while older children might benefit from more independence in resolving minor disputes.

Why Should Parents Not Fight in Front of Their Child?

Parents should avoid fighting in front of their children because witnessing parental conflict has negative effects on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being

Here are some reasons why parents should not fight in front of their children:

1. Emotional Distress

Children can feel frightened, anxious, and insecure when they witness their parents arguing.

Feeling upset for a long time can harm their mental well-being in the future.

2. Modeling Behavior

Children learn from their parents’ behavior.

When they see parents engage in unhealthy conflict, they will mimic those behaviors in their relationships, leading to a cycle of dysfunction.

3. Academic and Behavioral Problems

Children who frequently witness conflict at home have difficulty concentrating on schoolwork and may exhibit behavioral problems.

4. Increased Stress

Chronic exposure to parental conflict leads to increased stress levels in children, which have physical and psychological consequences.

If you have any problem with your partner or other parent, settle the issue without involving the children.

They are too young to handle conflicts between adults and this will make them like one parent and hate the other.

Conclusion

We have explained in this article how to deal with brothers and sisters(siblings) who fight, try and be fair in your judgment.

Don’t side with any child, if you do, it will make the other ones feel jealous and the fight will continue.